Inspired by the political career of Donald Trump, a man with no qualifications who became President of the United States on a platform of pure fabrications, I have made the decision to run for office.
Like Trump probably did many a night sitting on his golden toilet eating McDonalds take out, I gave a lot of thought to what office I should run for. Trump set his eyes on the presidency; I knew I needed something even bigger.
If Trump has taught us anything, it’s that success isn’t measured in getting things done, it’s about television ratings. I knew I needed to make a political announcement that would be guaranteed to draw big ratings.
So today, I proudly announce my candidacy for Black Jesus.
I know it might be unconventional for a person as fair skinned as I am to run for Black Jesus, but I assure you that All Jesuses Matter.
Donald Trump has stated that nobody has done more for black people than he has. “MAGA loves the black people,” he said. I’m really glad he clarified that, because otherwise based on everything he’s ever done I would have believed he was a racist sack of monkey poop.
This brilliant campaign philosophy of just saying you’re not racist despite decades of public records to the contrary translated into at least four black votes for Trump in 2020.
In my forthcoming book, All I Ever Needed to Know About Politics I Learned from Donald Trump, I pen the thought that it’s important to lay down your own rules when running for office. It’s far more convenient than adhering to the same rules everyone else has to abide by.
For instance, it’s okay to collude with a hostile foreign enemy like Russia as long as you just deny it afterwards and pardon all the people who assist you in covering it up. Here all other candidates had thought that committing treason was a no-no, but Trump has shown that’s not the case. As long as you have gutless yes men in Congress, you can be as corrupt as the mind can imagine.
One of the key rules from the Trump School of Campaigning is to just make crap up. Thanks to Trump’s brilliance at creating alternative facts, we have things like windmill cancer that nobody had ever thought of before and school children are now taught about George Washington heroically taking over airports during the Revolutionary war (but they are definitely not taught about slavery).
It’s important to never let truth get in the way. Trump always wanted to be on the cover of Time magazine, but they weren’t interested. He didn’t let that stop him. Trump had fake Time magazine covers made and he put them on display at all of his golf courses around the world. That just goes to show, where there’s a will there’s a way.
But, of course, the most important Donald J. Trump rule for running for office is to claim voter fraud if anyone else wins. Who would have thought it would be that simple?
I know the initial reinstatement day of August 13th set by MyPillow pitchman Mike Lindell came and went without Trump being ushered back into the White House, but we’ve been assured that’s just a hiccup. Thankfully Trump has a crack team of aces like alleged former drug addict Lindell and goofy old alleged alcoholic “Uncle Rudy” Giuliani advising him.
Since Black Jesus is a new office, I am not certain as to how and when the voting will occur. But I’ll keep you updated. I do expect that the only votes that count will be those of old, white businessmen. By only validating old white men’s votes from the beginning, it saves having to go “find” votes later on.
I also know that if I lose, Cyber Ninjas will be able to find evidence of bamboo fibers in the ballots signifying that Jackie Chan was involved in the voter fraud.
Rikki Lee Travolta, your next Black Jesus. It’s got a nice ring to it. Kind of like Samuel L Jackson, your next Supreme Grand Wizard.
I had planned a press conference to announce my candidacy for Black Jesus, however Uncle Rudy wasn’t able to find a landscape company headquarters for the event.
Peace. Love. Trust.
If you appreciate the nature of my words here, I ask that you take just a moment to share this article with your social media of choice.